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Saturday: Golden Girl

Was it me? Or The Evil Within is just so fucked up. The plot and the game and everything.


I have been watching it for 3 days and I just cannot figure out what inside the creator mind. Everytime the boss is dead, there are another boss popping.


Today weather is nice. The sky is so bright and I feel so at ease. I can sleep well last night. Not cold sweat anymore. I have been thinking if I am wrong to say ‘sorry’ to him but after saying it. I feel so relieve knowing that I can finally let everything go and I just don’t feel that I am ready to start a getting to know someone new unless I feel so comfortable around the person.


I did wanted to ask few acquaintances about their thoughts of having a kid or kids. At least I could have understand what is it feel like to have kids.


I do want to just have a white cottage in a nice place, buying my groceries and meeting friends. Guess I need to work to make it happened.



The golden girl js such a hilarious tv series. Gotta day that I kinda looking up myself joining like them. Perhaps when I am old enough. I will find people are more easy to believe and laugh at my youth.


The time went I go crazy over someone and falling in love. The time when I cry and the time when everything is just happening.


Also corona.

SOCIAL MEDIA DETOXIFICATION

I guess I need to start detoxification from all of this social media and find sometimes for my own self. It's been a really tough week with everything that happening recently.

I just can't even keep going on with lots of chat on WhatsApp that seeking for me or this mind going to be numb. Need to focus on real life.

Has been making a lot of articles too. Guess a need to focus on creating an article now.

Listening to DUEL music is makes me feel at ease at least from now but let's see if I able to feel at ease again after watching The Evil Within

Cold night

I am having a cold all over my body and my stomach still hurt like shit due to constipation. My sister google it and found out that it may be because of anxiety. All of these things that happening recently is not good for my own inner self. I just don't know what I need to do to solve all of things that fall from my own control.

I fall asleep in my bed only to realize my brother come and 1 cleaning service come to our room. Knocking to the door and also come through the room without permission. I have been thinking whether to lodge a report or not.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me 31:31

So, today I am having birthday 31 for 31 years old. I am so happy this year because I receive tons of greeting for 'happy birthday'

Well... I am still that little kid who is so excited to receive greeting card that says



"Happy Birthday"

That’s about today. Hahaha...

I was in perk of watching horror game because it’s full of mystery and also write on reddit. I guess I feel quite fine with myself after this bday. I think being 30 and finally over it, what makes me feel so relieved because I finally feel that “guess I survived the battleship inside my head that telling me. Society is gonna judge me because I am single and have no kids” but guess when I saw my friends married and have kids - not all of them are happy.

Not all of them wanted it to be that fast. I feel at least I live this life in fully and I feel better thinking about it. It is something that I always thinking, am I living this life fully? What if I am not? But I am just relieved after all.

Happy about it. Also, try to fix my social circle now.

stamp time: 11:11

Positivity

I crept out whenever my aunt calling my chinese name. She love to call my name during text. Yesterday she came all the way the bring us food and some advice for future.
I have been thinking way too much lately.

People has been getting so weird during the lockdown or me getting weird. I was asking my old classmate for her phone number but two of them feel like they just doesn’t want to give to me but they replying to my fb messenger that I find it’s so weird.

If one doesn’t want to connect with others. Then you can stop communicating. Don’t reply to the message. That’s end of everything.

I decided to shun everything from the world like message and all the stuff. Try to manage my ownself even thou I might feel lonely. Thinking back with M (long date) and all the stuff we gone through at the end, I don’t have that big heart to accept him. I think he knows about it too. I can’t accept his past, and his character. What I miss from us is our memories together.

I can’t say to him since he blocked me again and again. There are no disclosure about us and I don’t plan to tell him anyway. I could never accept the fact that he lied to me about having kids not only that his character is a particular one. He like making himself proud whenever there are girls like him and want to fuck him.

Opposite character of mine. I am also been thinking about friendship lately but this I just left it be. I will just be friend with people who want to be friend with me. Without thinking way too much about it.

What L said is truth, I shouldn’t been thinking way too much about others word. That will be my doomsday.

Healing

I try to download a diary app called 'Reflectly' I saw on TikTok advertisement and thinking that this going to be good for my own mental health issue. I could see my progress in this app. Yet, the graph needs to pay for the subscription. So, I still don't know if I am going to really use this app and extract all the useful features that this app can get.

But, I feel there are a few changes happening when I try out this app. There are not many things I can do during this lockdown and not many things that I can work during this lockdown. I try to be productive by applying for work every now and then to different countries as well and I hope that I can get a reply from them too. I just hope that this situation is over soon.

Then I can also move on with this life now. I feel wanted to explore a few different countries these days and I feel that I've been thinking if Singapore is worth the effort that I spend for 2.5 years there. I just feel that all the time I spend applying there is not worth it at all. I was too scared back then to explore another country but I was really hoping that I am not that scared kitty and try another country yet probably that's the reason for my hindrances.


Getting productive

Finally, these 2 days I get up and wash then do my makeup, hahaha...

I even created a bunch of TikTok videos and post them. I just signed up for my new account since it is so troublesome to just keep updating with the random account name, I am saying GB with my 15 followers but hopefully I gained them back soon.

I WORKED FOR LOUSY COMPANY, NOW WHAT?




What I do is basically doing data collection for freight forwarders in yellow page for freight forwarders and put it into an excel file then mass sends the spammy email every day about 1000 emails.
The business often gets a warning from email provider service regarding spam because they thought they running a scam business. Lots of staff resign. Turn over very high. Every month there is always staff who likely to resign.

Listen to this song while reading this article. This song is talking about my mood completely during that time.


I was being disturbed when I took my leave and holiday to Europe. That completely turns me off. So I absolutely just resigned from the position even thou I got promoted (without salary increase) because nobody fills the position. At that time, the current person who is in the position resigned from the job and I overheard that she doesn’t want to work with the company anymore. I also heard the same from my co-worker. Till 1 fine day I asked one of the longest staff why she wants to resign and she told me everything. She also told me that nobody wants a career like this. That’s true. Because there is only 1 position available and nothing more.

There is no above or below position. Only some shit about supporting network and main network, while there is no letter stated about whether this person is promoted to a higher position. The funny things during the interview, the owner even try to attract people by giving them a the position called ‘Vice President’ that actually the salary not even vice to begin with.

After I worked for 2 months only then I realize that it is all flattery stuff to make people want to work in the company. The staff is replaceable because the work is just so simple. Well, that above mentioned, so I told myself that I don’t deserve this kind of lousy job. I was already prepared my resignation letter during the day and plan to just hand it over.

I have no mood to work after all the good staff gone for good and move on. I think it is time for me to start applying for a better job. I keep saying that I don’t deserve this job. I don’t like the environment, the people, and the management as well. This is my 1st time working in a company that has no admin at all or no people that pose as an admin. The owner is too old to give a damn about it.

The only reason that they took me as a staff is that nobody wants to work in this company with this kind of lousy job and they need someone to work. I am offended by the treatment as a staff. Lousy management, lousy salary, and lousy bonus.

The equipment to do the work is not even properly given. In this office even I have to bring all my stationery and they are purposely doing that to lower the cost. I feel like a complete fool to work with them. I regretted to work with this kind of company rather than resigning from this company.

I do feel that it is the most idiotic decision that I've ever made on 2019 but that's all gone now. I paid it off by resigning from the company and saying good bye forever. Now at least I got the experience and knowledge of lousy company so I can choose better one next time.


I am okay

So, I plan to just update my day with this neuro of mine and it happened that today I was really grumpy without food.

I feel so helpless if I am hungry and that's not good. These few days after my discovery of neuro, I started to just accept myself. My former date did advise me to not thinking too much of stuff but now I feel that I just live like this, like this is my last life every day so that makes me think that I just gonna live this life peacefully without having to think too much stuff all at once and do what I can do to make myself feel better every day.

With that mindset, I am hoping that I'll be able to control my neuro better.

Neuroticism

It happened quite recently when I was trying to fly back to Indonesia a month ago. At that time Indonesia implements their lockdown followed by airport close down. During the time, when I was trying to settle all problem just to go back to Indonesia. I realize that I have this panic attack that gotten me cannot think straight at that moment.

It indeed makes me feel so pissed off yet I feel so helpless. So, yesterday night I did some research. I tried to research with the keyword: "what is the term of people who suffer from a panic attack?"

I did the research when I was talking on the phone with my sister and she told me that I probably suffer from neuroticism, then I again do the research and this is the result:







I guess I am the top 2 above which is Anxious and Depressive. I answered some of the quiz:



83% of me is suffering from neuroticism and I indeed suffer from anger and anxiety now. For 2.5 years I suffered from depression while looking for a job, I thought after I got the job the depression will end but I even more depressed than I should have been.

I suffered from periodically gastric followed by headaches and that's let me to just resign from the job. I don't think it is worth it to suffer till like that for a mere job who doesn't even give me a time break for my own self.

Right at this moment, I do feel very peaceful. I may be feeling very peaceful probably if I back home. My aunt still there, and she probably will be the source of why the whole family suffered from anxiety.

I will try to just take note on this diary for everything happened with my neuroticism




Suffer from lockdown issue

My mom has always been a funny person so she tries to do an online shop to purchase a mask and other kitchen stuff yet she asked me to see what's on her screen and she treated the phone like a book. This page and next page. that's got me irritated because she doesn't really want to learn how to use teach which allows anyone of us to live simply.


These few days I have been suffering from lockdown issues. I got bored because I am unable to find things that I wanna do. I sleep really late and wake up really late. I don't feel productive in my everyday basis.

How I long for traveling soon, this moment like this. I do feel trapped.

The Deleted Post

After I accidentally deleted the post on the last blog post. I don't feel like writing anything. Has been totally busy with personal stuff that I, myself has no ideas on how to solve it.

We need to buy a ticket and move back home immediately. It's getting boring to stay in this place for faraway too long. This is not good but yet these lockdown rules have gotten insanely crazy and messy as well.

These recent days I do feel exhausted because of this boringness and the feel of being lockdown like this is not nice.

I never thought that after I resign, I suffer from this problem that locks me inside my own room without going out at all. At least even thou, I am broke, I do wanna go outside and take a couple of nice pictures and enjoying the city view, not like this.

Lastly, I do get annoyed with TikTok content. It doesn't give any kind of valuable content and also it does seem like I am beaten up by the content since what I deliver is totally different than what they deliver.
I deleted all the post that I wrote today. Damn!